*thumps head against the wall* all right. Time to explain something that you may or may not already know, but will know now.

Earlier, someone whom I used to know as Joe (now known as Ishbel) posted this on their Blurty.

Fact: Noel hates me.

Fact: Bradley hates me.

Fact: Just about everyone I met on Marneons either hates me, despises me, or couldn't care less about me.

Fact: Most of my RL 'friends' see me as a stupid idiot who is there for them to shun half the time.

Fact: Sar may have tried to make things work between me and her, but they're weird for us both now.

Fact: Bunni and I are never going to be friends again, assuming we were friends at some point.

Fact: I don't deserve to be alive.

Fact: I'm scum.

Just some facts I've come to accept.

Now, there are some things I'd like to say.

First to Joe:

I don't hate you, alright? I don't like you, but that's because, hey, you lied to me. What a bloody concept. But there's only one person I hate in the world, and you're not them. Alright? So stop pitying yourself.

Now... my rant. As told to B and Bunni....

I tend to not hate people. It's just not my nature. I'll say it, but my heart's not in it. I really really dislike her, yeah. But I don't hate her. There's only one person I hate, and I wish that person would die from a horrible disease that involves their sex organs shriveling up and falling off, but I've got good reason to hate them. Otherwise, I do not hate. I like everyone until they give me reason to not like them. then I don't like.

And why the one person I hate...

This is the part that is really really hard for me to say. But yeah. I'll say it anyways.

Last summer, I went to Utah for a week to stay with my (at the time) aunt, uncle, and cousin. While there, I was all but raped three or four nights in a row by my... by the thing formerly known as my cousin. I don't actually remember all of it. What I do remember, I really wish I didn't. Until very recently (as in the past week), it had been something that only one person besides myself knew about. But I finally got the courage to tell my mother. Luckily, my parents have been incredibly supportive, and are very glad that I told them.

Unfortunately, this means that I've been thinking about it. I've been remembering quite a lot... and I've been having flashbacks in my dreams. I've never been more glad for my medication... without it, I wouldn't be getting any sleep at all. Last night was the worst I've had in a while... it was almost like I could feel it again. I think that's why I had a rather bad day today... combined with being very bored, I wasn't happy.

But I'm rather better now. And hopefully no bad dreams tonight. I'm out!

Ja ne...

-Noel-