i had an interesting conversation with sheryl last night, when i had gotten inside and was crying, finally. she wanted to go outside and stand with mum; i didn't.

why? it would have made me feel better, slightly, to see michelle threatened within an inch of her life for slapping me. (my face is still red on one side; she backhanded me hard.)

because i wouldn't let them see me cry. i wouldn't let them see me- as i thought of it- weak.

and that's what letting other people see me cry is: weak. as i told sheryl, the only way i survive at that hellhole school is by being a bitch. i react, but i won't be weak- and that's why im going to school still, why im going to go to school tommorrow, and not let them see what they did to me. (im not at school today because i have a doctor's appt. and im bruised pretty much all over. damn go-karts.)

im terrified of michelle and her friends- they can, and will, hurt me. it doesn't matter that i can't defend myself; it doesn't matter that it'll probably be 1 against 5. they'll win- and ill let them. because i don't fight back; that only makes their winning more painful. she hit me twice last night- and i let her. i sat there, and i didn't say a word. it was when she swung at me with a fist that i hit back, and that was once.

but if she comes after me tommorrow, i won't fight back. she can hurt me all she wants- that just shows she's weaker than i am, emotionally. those who feel the need to physically hurt those that are physically weaker are emotionally weak and always will be. someone who can fight with words is a much more worthy opponent- if their words require thought.

and when she comes to hurt me- ill let her. but she won't see me weak; she won't see me cry. she won't see that she hurt me more than physically.

and i hope she gets her karma's worth, the bitch.